Sick of Me

Have you ever been just plain sick of yourself? Well, I am sick of me. I really do want Christ to just come and fill me up and I'd like to hide behind Him. I feel like I'm sticking out like a sore thumb. Everything about me is a bit off today. Even my boobs don't feel right. LOL!! Okay, okay, TMI (too much info.) I know, I know! Some of you hate the word BOOBS...sorry.....I'll call them breasts- the appropriate word for this body part area. There must be a sense of affection to this weird word because you may not believe me or believe that anyone would nickname another human being "Boob"...but it's true. My dad's nickname is Boob. His brothers and dad call him this. Now, growing up, I thought it was just normal. However, now as an adult, I'm thinking it's a bit odd. By the way, if you are trying to imagine what my dad's real name is and you are trying to figure out how "Boob" could be a closely related word.....don't try. It makes NO sense. His name is Bruce. Bruce....Boob??? What????
Hmmmm...that bunny trail got me in a better mood. See, how crazy I am? When I first started typing this I hated everything about me and now I'm laughing over the fact that my dad's nickname is Boob.
I truly do struggle with PMS and I fight against the spirit of naughty hormones. Tonight, a horrible spirit of jealousy flooded over me, through me, around me (yes, I allowed it) as John mentioned losing weight and that he wasn't going to eat a bowl of cereal even though he was hungry. I cringed. What on earth is wrong with me???? I hate my flesh- I literally was in a foul mood for about 30 min. and wouldn't make polite conversation with my poor hubby as I wallered in the "poor me" thought process. "Why am I not the one losing weight right now?" "Why is he bragging about his success?" Evil, evil thoughts came over me. I've ruined the whole evening of "what could've beens" with my nastiness. YUCKO!!! I couldn't even say "Great job honey. I'm so proud of you!" I muttered unkind things under my breath instead. To make myself "feel better" I jumped up and went and made some good ole fried eggs and toast. (I leave the yolks runny, but whites done so that I can dip the toast in the yolk!!!) I didn't say another word to him and just had a love affair with the plate of food. All of these strange comforting hormones were released as I almost spoke outloud to the food and told it how much I loved it. I thanked it for not talking back to me and for "just being there." Then, I heard God say "I want to be food to you. I want to be your everything." YIKES!!!!!! I know, I know, I know! I hate when I know something and don't do it...it ends up being that yucky word...."SIN."
To top off my entire evening, I then had a nice little spiritual battle with the great deceiver...yes...the enemy. He tried to convince me that I was just a big fake and that I sure do a good job of walking through all the motions of being a so called Christian...but "if they only knew the real me......." SHUT UP satan!!!!!! Ha!! Ha!!! Notice that I used a small lowercase "s" when typing satan. My spirit actually gets quite a kick out of this one because i think it's a nice slap in his face...to not capitalize his name. I bet he wants it to be capitalized, but I'm not fallin' for it!!!
No way hosea. I may wolf down a plate of pure BAD cholestrol, but by golly, I'm not going to give him respect when he deserves even less than a small "s".
Okay..Okay...I'll hush now. Gots to go to sleep. Thanks for entertaining me by reading this blog.
Man, if I don't get my buns in gear, I'm going to be the fattest person walking that Indy Mini next May! To God be the glory...HE is perfect and I am NOT!
love ya,
k

Friends

A gush of love just saturated my heart as I thought of my friends. Growing up, I always had a group of best friends. I can still remember laughing so hard that my stomach muscles would ache for hours. My friendships were a top priority to me as this was an area that God used to help me learn to love people, really love them. I just remembered a funny story which I'm sure you all can relate to my personality....I would make friends over the phone whom I had NEVER met in person. Someone would introduce me by phone to a friend of theirs and then a new relationship was born. I spent hours, and hours and hours building friendships.
Now, keep in mind, these were not like boyfriend relatioships although boys were involved....they were more so- just deep, true friends. Friends got me through literally the most difficult times in my life. At 13 when my parents got a divorce (Anna is 13 right now...) my entire home life fell apart, but God used friendships to carry me through. I socialized and just poured my heart and soul into my friends. Oh, how I loved my friends in school. Do any of you remember when 3-way calling first came out? Oh my gosh! We'd have a ball with this one. My dear friend Joy and I would have "Gospel Hour" with another friend. This was just a fun name for the times when we'd discuss God. I knew sooooo little then, just had such a passion to talk about Him. To this VERY day and moment- I still have such a heart's passion for my friend Joy whom I met at 13 years old. Her mother had an impact on my life that brings tears to my eyes. Undoubtedly, my faith is where it is today because of the spark that God allowed this family to put in my heart. Thank you, Jesus!!!! Her a mother taught her a type of love that I had never seen...it was gentle, joyful, fun, encouraging, warm....warm. Her mother's hugs were like none that I'd ever known before. No one had ever squeezed me tight and just embraced me for exactly who I was...no strings attached. I absolutely loved Joy's laughter and her mom's laughter. My mom never laughed like that with me and I needed to see that example.
The tears are flowing because I have been blessed from a very young age with godly, wonderful, lovely friends. This was just the beginning of years to come that would be rich and full of precious friends. Highschool came and went quickly with friends that supported me unconditionally during the most humiliating time of my life- highschool pregnancy. I don't EVER, EVER remember them looking at me or treating me any differently than "before I was pregnant." We still hung out and would giggle as we got ready for a highschool basketball game. We just carried on...Kara and her cute big belly and all!
All of you...my friends.... I honor you and thank you today for your loyalty, kindness, encouragement, love, forgiveness, mercy and grace towards me. We've laughed together, cried together, rejoiced together, served one another, and shared our hearts with trust and loyalty. How blessed I have been to have YOU in my life. I would not be the woman I am today without you as tools in the Lord's hands. Thank you for investing in my life. I'm closer to some of you than others, which is totally cool...but no matter who you, if you are reading this blog, just KNOW that I love you and care deeply for you. We all live such busy lives and I know we can't spend the time together that we'd like to. (If you are reading this and thinking "Oh, she can't be talking about me"...well, you are wrong. I am talking about YOU. EVERY ONE of YOU!)
The cool thing about all of you,my friends, is that you are all uniquely YOU, and I connect with you in whatever way God ordains. I love that Christ is the center of our friendships and we can get to the heart of matters quickly even if we haven't spoken for months, weeks days or hours....God is sooooo awesome! Even though we are busy raising kiddos, loving on our hubbies, serving our churches, etc...We will remain close in heart, faithful to uplift and edify one another and LET'S JUST PLAN a BIG 'OLE PARTY in ETERNITY, baby!!! Teeheee!
I love you all,
K

He is in control!

Howdy!
God has me exactly where He wants me and I keep getting the phrase "Be still and know that I am God." The septic system still stands as is. Nothing has changed. We are trying to use water sparingly, especially on days like this when rain drenched our yard. Just like Kyle preached this morning...we are counting it ALL joy that we're going through this trial. The Lord knows exactly how he's gonna fix it. The odd thing is that usually by now I would've made every call known to man call to find a bank that was willing to lend us the moola or I would have begged a family member to lend us the moola...but I don't think that's His answer. We've always fixed our problems by going into further debt- we just can NOT do it this time. This is a BIG time trial of faith because I'm totally believing that God will only allow what's best for us to occur- He surely will take care of our septic needs- I am sure of this. It's rather humbling to know that we've been stupid enough with money in our lifetime that we've bought plenty of "extras" and NON- necessities that now we don't have the money to provide a necessity for our family- that's actually humiliating. Oh and by the way..please, please don't feel sorry for us in any way. God will provide and I look forward to reporting the miracle He is doing to solve our problem. I can't see it yet..but it's coming.
I can go on just one more day and face tomorrow because HE lives. Pray for me that God will grow me to be the leader He wants of me. In my workplace right now there is a HUGE need for leadership that is reflective of HIM. My main boss is great in this area, which I'm extremely thankful for- but I'm sensing a HUGE need for moral boosting. When you are working out in the world- it's tough..it really is. Tomorrow, may my actions, words and thoughts be held captive to Christ. Yikes..I just took a deep breath because it's easy to get sucked into the "drama" of the workplace...drama, drama, drama! Pray that my light shines bright tomorrow.
Love you all,
k
p.s...oh yah...the eating/exercising thing....pray. I up 5 lbs and hate the feeling. I have a race to run/walk and I better get my hiney moving!

Washington D.C.

I bet with a title like that you are thinking that this is going to be a political schpeel...NOPE!
Guess where I am? You are never going to believe it!!!!! Washington D.C!!! I had to keep this info. on the MAJOR D.L. (down low- meaning QUIET!!!) So, here's the story:

All of you know that John is a United States Marine, right? He served 4 years in the Marine Corps and is deeply proud of this heritage. He has been dreaming of visiting the National Marine Corps Museum in Quantico, VA (about 45 min. from D.C.). His precious Aunt Jenny recently visited this museum and picked him up a great t-shirt and cool pen with the intentions of giving it to him for his birthday, Sept. 7th. That in itself is pretty darn cool as John LOVES t-shirts!!! Then, something crazily awesome stirred in her and she decided to do something "special" for John this year. About 2 months ago, she called to say, "Kara, will you be my partner in crime on something." Teehheeeee! SURE!!!!! And with that, we developed a scheme for her to send John and I on a weekend trip to Washington D.C., fulfilling his dream of visiting this museum! Airline tickets, hotel, and rental car- A. jenny is the MOST generous person that I know!!! Here was the best part....it was going to be a GRAND surprise to John (I made sure he was off the whole weekend and whatever glitches I ran into, i put Greg in charge of fixing...thank you Greg- you rock!!!!) Now, here's the other big kicker....John didn't find out about this surprise until Thursday night and we left Friday morning on a plane for Washington!!! Holy smokeroos, right??
Aunt Jenny came up with this brilliant plan to invite John and us out to Cici's pizza for dinner on Thursday evening "for his birthday", a few days early...but he wasn't suspicious because A. jenny works alot of hours directing a nursing home. So, we got the family on board with this amazing surprise and voila...about 33 people greeted him at Cici's. Surprise, John! A. Jenny came up with a cute plan to wrap up the shirt and pen- which he would be ecstatic about and THEN she put together a binder with airflight confirmation, hotel info...etc!!! It took him a few minutes of viewing the info and her saying "This is YOUR flight info. John!!" I've never seen him so awe struck. For once, my dear hubby was speechless :)

Now...fast forward to John and I's arrival at the museum- he actually got light-headed when we stood in the entrance of this magnificent site. We had a delightful 3 hours at the museum and then planned to head back in the morning. Morning actually turned into more like noon as we battled terential rain due to Hurricane Hannah!!! Keep in mind that I'm married to a "professional driver" who has no fear of danger, wet roads or any as such! Therefore, the only weapon I could use to combat his fearless driving was prayer! The Lord and I went into some deep issues as I squeezed my eyes tightly and refused to look at the cars around us who would hydroplane, splash large quantities of water onto our front window, and scare the tar out of me!
Occasionally, I would yell out a "Lord Jesus!!!!" as my body could feel rough and terrifying vibrations. Okay...enough drama!
Now, I'm writing Sat. evening...we've returned from the adventures of the day. Once we fought our way to the museum today, we were saddened to have to leave within about 30 min. because they closed it due to the stinkin' flooding!!! AHHHHHHHH! Nonetheless, John decided to praise God! So, off we went to eat lunch...oh my goodness..have you ever been to an "Uno Chicago Grill"? if not, let me say- GO!!!!! This is the most fantastic place ever!!! Then, we went to a movie because everything else worth site seeing was too dangerous to get to.
Now, it's Sunday evening-whhoooooooo, what a day! Our flight home was delayed 2 times and we arrived back in Indy at about 6 p.m. My phenomenal children prepared a scrumptious dinner for us. Anna and Aunt Jenny cleaned and orchestrated all the kiddos to help! Anna had a handwritten menu at each of our places for John and I that read: Tonight's Menu
Slow Roasted Pork Chops, Homemade Garlic Mashed Potatoes, Seasoned Green Beans and Bread and butter, and homemade gravy! Wow- it was amazing!!!! Here was the best part....we walked into all 6 children plus Aunt Jenny around the dinner table, the table perfectly set and smiles on all of their faces as they sang Happy Birthday to John!
It's nice to getaway...but there is NO place like home!
k

Heart 2 Heart and My Heart

Thank you all so much for praying and asking about our septic system problem. God's peace is covering the situation although no actual progress has been made. Let me rephrase that....I meant to say that we don't know what God's solution is to our problem. I'm just resting in the peace that He has made progress and knows every detail of our concerns. Yay!!

Tonight, many of us experienced a brief touch of Heaven as we attended EFC's Heart 2 Heart women's ministry. My absolute, absolute, absolute favorite part of the entire evening was looking around that huge circle of 39 women and seeing all of your beautiful faces. I could have just layed down and wallered in the love I felt. God has placed this phenomenal support system in my life to encourage me to never give up. I can go on after I've fallen flat on my face, after I've failed miserably, after I've screwed up royally because I see God's unconditional love in all of you. Your support on this crazy roller coaster ride journey of weightloss means more to me than words. I know I don't have to hide in this dark hole of failure and hopelessness because you all are pulling me through with your prayers, encouragement and love! Thank you!!!! I'm ready to dive into the story of David with all of you and develop a heart like his. I'm desperately thirsty right now in life for God's Word- I want to be transformed by the renewing of my mind. I've been relying on my own power for far too long and I'm ready to really soak in God's grace and goodness. (For anyone that doesn't attend our group, we are planning to do a Beth Moore Bible study called "David". You can get it at Sam's club for $13 if you want to join in!)

I must confess that last night, which was the night before the group, I was extremely depressed. I was to the point of saying "I quit."
I wanted to quit my life, just quit all the responsibilities that rest on my shoulders- like parenting, marriage, household manager, cook, housekeeper, daughter, niece, friend- you name it, and I wanted to just QUIT!!!! I seriously wanted to just scream and leave my life for a little while. I was deep into a dark and lonely pitt, one that I hadn't experienced for quite some time.
Finally, I just gritted my teeth and prayed for God's help cause it was NOT going to be pretty if something didn't change the course of my evening!!! All of the sudden, it occured to me that the following evening was going to be our first night back in Heart 2 Heart. Ahh Ha! It clicked that this was most certainly a spiritual attack. It was clear that satan wanted to hold me down and convince me that I was just a raging lunatic and that I had NO place serving in women's ministries. I'm ashamed of the way that I acted- horribly ashamed! I gave my poor daughter a look that could've killed- you know...the kind of look that says "Don't mess with me or I might blow!!!!!!!!" I was so angry that I refused to answer her request for help on homework. I poured myself a bowl of cereal and marched back into my room. I plopped on the bed and waited for John to come back to the room so I could then give him the "death glare." Ohhhhhhh- what a poor site I was. I even dreamed horrible things because I went to bed so angry and upset. Every ounce of me knew it was wrong to go to bed angry, but that stinkin' pride just reeked from my pores. This is how horrible I could be just less than 24 hours before helping lead a women's group? What??? Why does God keep using me???? I'll never know.... truly. All I can conclude is that His Word is true and He's full of grace and mercy. Thank you Jesus!!!! I share this story with you for one reason- I don't ever want to forget how ugly my heart can be and how much I need Jesus. Some of you don't ever get to see this nasty side of me...nonetheless-don't forget that it exists and my heart is sometimes dark and full of YUCK!!!! Gotta go to sleep now!
love you all!!
k

Top 10

Long time no write. Sorry! Today my family celebrated my grandmother's 70th birthday. What's more amazing than that is the fact that her own mother is 92 years old and came also! Can you imagine living for 92 years and seeing your very own daughter turn 70????Wow!!! Today was probably one of the happiest days for my grandma..she was relaxed, at ease and just had a great time!
I feel full tonight. Not only of food, but my soul feels full. God is on the throne and i KNOW without a doubt that His grace is going to move my hiney back in gear. I want to run like a gazelle again on that treadmill- the race will be here before I know it. I need to go ahead and put a request in to have that weekend off. Do you think I'm crazy?
So, on sunday, Pastor Randy had to mention that dirty, dirty rotten word- a word far worse than any 4 letter word you can think of- "discipline". Ahhhhhhh! I hate it, I hate it, I hate it. The Lord has been talking to me about "the heart issue" of things. It seems that everywhere i turn, He's pointing it out....even our women's group is going to undergo an "Extreme Heart Makeover." I get it, Lord, I get it! Let's look at my top 10 areas of struggle (David Letterman style).....
10. Food addiction
9. Servant heartedness
8. Laziness
7. Pride
6. Critical Judgement of others
5. Lack of prayer
4. Poor stewardship of God's money and things
3.Respecting John
2.Submission to authority
1. Reading, meditating, and memorizing the Word of God- the everlasting Word!

Now, i'm not claiming that these are listed in the appropriate order from least to most, but i am saying that food addiction is really just a result, just a bi-product of my number 1 struggle-
NOT being in the Word often enough, deep enough and not "hiding the Word in my heart." God tells me in His very promise to me that i am to "hide His word in my heart that I may not sin against Him." Hmmmm..... brilliant! That whole sin thing tends to get me everyday.....like 24/7 actually. I can guarantee you I even sin in my sleep- I've gotten rather brutal with john before and given him a good elbow out of selfish desires for me to be more comfortable!!!! uggghhhh!
So, my new committment to the Lord is not actually to eat better, exercise more and to live healthier. Why you may ask??? Because He wants something far deeper and more meaningful from me...for me to fall in love with His Word, fall madly in love with Him in prayer. We all love secrets don't we?? Don't you just love when someone lets you in on a secret? Well, the Lord is saying to me, "Kara, come and share all your secrets with me. I'll listen. I'll love you. I'm here for you. Come to me in that secret time and place and let's just hang out together!" The sad part is that I'm thinking "Okay Lord, great! Can i bring some snacks too?" He must laugh at me and just shake His head.
I must get to sleep my dear friends. I love you and please pray I'll undergo this Extreme Heart Makeover with much grace, patience and discipline!
k