Here we go again!

The following is my very first post ever. March 2008. I just re-read it and can't believe that was me. I want that fire back. Sadly, I am back up in weight to where I first began. What a journey.
So....here we go again. It's time to get my hiney back in gear. Anyone want to come along???

March 2008:
I've decided to begin the end. Sounds odd doesn't it? Well, is what I mean by that is that my entire life has been consumed by food- what I'm gonna eat, what I'm not gonna eat, how much I weigh, how much I've lost, what size I wear, etc.Well, I've decided to begin the end- the end to a lifelong struggle with weight, food addiction and unhealthy living.This journey is gonna be lovely and ugly, happy and sad, triumphant and dissappointing.This is going to be a frank and honest journal of my past, present and future health. Please join me on this journey and watch the "me" turn into the "me" God wants me to be. My precious friend Renay is also walking this journey with me, one bite at a time :) We can and WILL do this and NOT for our own glory, but for God's Kingdom. We are going to be 2 hot, fit mamas ready to serve our King like crazy!!!!!!WARNING: Sit down and be prepared to read some shocking numbers... I hate weight. I'm sick of being labeled by my weight. I remember various times in my life as to how much I weighed.. that's crazy!!!!First and foremost, I must give all the glory where it belongs and that is to the God of the universe, the one who sent His one and only Son to die a painful death on the cross in place of MY sin. Hmmmm... my sin? Yep! Jesus went to that cross for my addiction to food. My life is full of sin that thankfully Jesus has wiped clean from the slate so that I can be righteous in God's eyes! Yay!!! I was saved at about 8 years old and asked Jesus to cover me with His sacrifice on the cross... yet, I have struggled all of my life since about the age of 8 with loving food more than anything else! I can remember my Kindergarten school picture just looking as cute as can be, then by 4th grade I didn't sit up straight and you could see the roll of my chest (didn't have real boobs yet)... that was a mortifying picture!!! Anyhow... my years after that were spent "sucking it in" when trying on an outfit, standing before the mirror. Hearing many comments from people who loved me about my weight and the importance of "suck in your gut and stick out your butt" for pictures or "that makes you look thin" (yes, I know that sounds crazy, but I heard it more than you can imagine at a very young age.)At last.. a beginning to an End of negative comments by family tearing at my heart and destroying my healthy view of myself, food and weight. (yes, I know that loving people will always say negative things, but this is the end of it ruling my life!!!)Some more history.....At age 10 I weighed 135 lbs. Then, the summer before 8th grade, I lost a lot of weight and was looking pretty good- a size 9 in juniors! But that wasn't good enough since all of my friends were a size 5!!! (This was also the same summer of my parent's divorce).Highschool was going good with me getting to about 145 lbs. I played volleyball and loved to exercise. I battled on and off with bulemia though. Then at the age of 16 I became pregnant with Anna. John and I got married at 17. My highest pregnancy weight was 175.... ahhhh... those were the days.... :) After Anna was born the roller coaster began again... up and down.... At age 19, John, me and Anna lived in Beaufort, SC as JOhn was in the Marine Corps and I went to the Dr. for an exam. This was the first time a dr. ever told me that I was obese and needed to lose 50lbs. I was devastated, embarrassed and shocked! By using Herbalife products, I got down to about 160 and felt great. Then, slowly back up, up, up again! After a miscarriage in 1999 (before Abby).. I became very depressed. I gained a ton of weight with pregnant with Abby in 1999-2000.At last.. a beginning to an end of the food roller coaster.Eventually I got up to 273 lbs., after Evan was born (yes, that is a 100 lb. increase)!After praying and begging God to help me, I was guided to LA Weightloss and lost 90 lbs. withthem before getting pregnant with Emma at 180 lbs. After Emma my weight skyrocketed again.. I could eat 5 qts. of vanilla icecream with chocolate syrup in just 2 days. No, i'm not exaggerating. I was struggling with post partum depression too. My weight crept up over 200 lbs. and then I got pregnant with Avry! We finally figured out what causes that and John got a visectomy :) tee -hee! I remember stepping on the scales and full pregnancy with Avry and seeing 250 lbs and thinking- I can't believe I got this heavy again!!! After Avry, I was up and down...a long story to say that as of last Friday, Good Friday- I weighed 272 lbs.I was told a year ago by my Dr. that I had to lower cholestrol- triglyc. were the worst (carbs!) and that I was "pre-diabetic". I promised to work at it and lose weight. Shocker... it didn't happen! I went back recently to find out that the cholestrol is still bad, but thank the good LORDthat I am NOT diabetic!!! That was it!!! I have had it!!!God is sooo cool.. His timing is always perfect. The very next Sun. after hearing this from dr. ,Pastor Randy did a message about "specific sin"... Hmm.... He even asked that people come forward and pin their sin, written on a note card, to the huge wooden cross at front of church. I can still remember exactly where mine is pinned. It read "overeating".Now here's the sad part.. I wanted to really confess it to God, cause that's the right thingto do. But I definately wasn't ready to give it to HIM fully. I was terrified that "I wasn't ready" or "I'll just fail, so why bother". Nonetheless, I pinned my card up there out of obedience to Godand went on with life. That was also the weekend of our church-wide 24 hour prayer and I knew breakthrough was coming.. I just didn't know when. God kept stirring in my spirit all week long.I have recently heard that many of my friends use Weight Watchers and I became very interested. Finally, by Friday which was Good Friday I logged onto Weight Watchers and joined the online version! I love it and have been doing it now for 1 week.At last .... The Beginning to an end of weighing 272 lbs.Please pray for me whenever you see a fat person... :) I hate that word.. "fat".. but you got to call a spade a spade. I desire for every inch of my body to be pleasing to God. It doesn't have to be perfect, but I do want Him to be pleased with my stewardship of HIS temple... my earthly body.I'm only 30 years old and I don't want to be unhealthy anylonger!!At last... The beginning to an end of an unhealthy body.For years, I've desired to be very close to God.. to walk like HIM, to think like HIM, to talk like HIM, to eat like He would. I've wanted this intimate relationship with Jesus that has been somewhat obtainable. I don't want "somewhat" anylonger!!!! There's ONE key thing holding me back and separating me from my heavenly Father and from living the fullest life that He has for me... and that is my love affair with food. I want to dance the dance of my life in the arms of Jesus. He is the lover of my soul, my biggest fan, the one who will NEVER leave me.I'm sick of being sold short and buying into the lie that food will satisfy my deepest longing. It won't and can't. I know God has made me a passionate person for many reasons and I believe the biggest reason is so that I can turn my greatest weakness into my greatest ministry.This is the Beginning to an End of a "somewhat" close relationship with Jesus. I'm ready for the REAL thing!

Today, September 5th- one and half year later....here I go again :)
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