Why?

Today God is reminding me to think on things that have eternal value- character, relationships, deep meaningful things. I feel spiritually "heavy." I'm battling the flesh as usual and am finding myself very "me-focused." I can become consumed with negativity about myself to the point of not being able to see obvious ministry opportunities right before my very eyes.

Remind me again- Why does God want people like me who have junk in their hearts and lives? Why does He choose to give me things I do not deserve? Why can't I just quit and be a reclusive person who never has to face the fear of failing people????????????? Why do I easily forget that this life is but a vapor of time compared to eternity? Why do I settle for less when He wants the best for me?

There's really only one answer....BECAUSE He is God and He is love. The deep mysteries of God
are beyond my comprehension. No eye has seen nor ear has heard the wonders of his love! He can do above and beyond what we can think or imagine!

So....I'm resting today in His truth. I'm seeing more and more spiritual things around me- a war is going on and it's rough! God- here I am. Just plain ole me- use me as you want to please!

k

Spiritual Awakening

Sometimes you don't know how dead you are until you've been made alive again. There are times in my life when I am more alive..the sky is a little bluer...the grass a little greener....the air a little fresher. However, I'm taking note that these times usually come after a very dark time....when the sky is grey...the grass is brown and full of weeds....and the air is heavily polluted.

Less than one week ago I was lower than low. A spiritual awakening seemed miles and miles away...nearly unattainable. My wretchedness had boiled over with ugly comments to my precious hubby, sarcasm that could slice a soul in two, a desire to just dissappear for a while, a swelling discontent heart- things were a bit ugly to say the least. I could barely muster up the prayer to ask for His help to change my heart. Lies were swarming through my mind like a mad bee's nest. The lies became so loud and distracting that I questioned my entire purpose in ministry. I wanted to hide because what I once heard God say appeared to be a deception.

Bottom line- I became ME focused instead of God-focused.

I began to beg God..."please, please bring back my passion to evangalize. Bring back the boldness that was not worried about what other's would think. Bring back my passion to teach and speak to women. Lord, bring the opportunities that are of you." The buzzing of the bees were distracting, loud and mind-cluttering. The lies were continually NON-stop! "Kara, get real...no one will want to listen to an over-weight crazy like yourself! You are going to flub everything up and won't convey salvation in a clear way, etc...etc...etc. Bla...Bla...Bla!"

Then, the God of the universe, the lover of my ugly soul, the forgiver of my disgusting selfishness, the perfect creator of all good- He chose to scoop me up, cradle me and love on me!
He revealed truth to me and let me tell you....Oh, Oh...how sweet truth is and how freeing.

There was a course of events that He used specifically that I will not go into. But these led up to last night-
downtown Lafayette
Lafayette Theatre
6-8 p.m.
Elston Family Church- Night of Worship
He rocked my world.

I want to be healthy...if for NO other reason so I can bounce up and down and not feel that my rolls are on their own gravity program :) I want to jump higher than Heather (you had to be there...teeheee) a person half my size can easily spring themselves several inches higher than me! I want to dance my toosh off and not tire easily. Ideally, I would not be dizzy and light-headed at the end of some rockin' awesome worship :)

Side note- I 100% used to be convinced that people that acted the way in which I am describing were PURELY nuttso! Crazies! Wack-jobs! Deceived! How could a godly, conservative Christian act so "free?" Remember...I spent 9 years in a church where swaying back and forth might have been considered too radical! And raising your hands....uh....NEVER! Veering from the songlist and time allotted for worship- No way!

But last night- God rocked the house. He blew the top off. He said "Worship ME and Me alone!"
He wooed the spirits of many. He caused me to yell out to Him with affirmation of how great HE is. I couldn't sing loud enough. I couldn't jump high enough. I couldn't lay flat enough. I couldn't cry hard enough. I couldn't smile big enough. I couldn't express in human ability how much I believe in His power and might.

He can move the mountains. He can calm the seas. He reigns. He died for me. He restores. He is on the throne. He listens. He cares. He moves how and where He pleases. My God is mighty to save.

I saw a woman whom I call my friend, Tisha, obey the Lord and stand up before all of us to beautifully sign "Amazing Love." She's finally going to use the gift God has given her and not hide it any longer. Praise be to HIM.

I saw another woman try to "pass the buck" as she called it. The Spirit kept telling her that an invitation for salvation needed to be spoken from the mike. God pushed her up on stage so she could share how great our God is and to invite anyone who didn't know to come and find out!

I saw friends worshipping like they had never worshipped before, reaching higher and higher to the throne of Glory- going after all that God had for them and stopping at nothing.

I saw passionate worship leaders pour their heart and soul into chasing after God and taking us higher and higher. I heard the voice of an angel.....Lindsay sing my favorite...."Come to me."
But it was more than her angelic voice that echoed in the place- it was a gifting like I've NEVER, NEVER seen or heard.

A spiritual awakening is a beautiful thing. I woke up this morning with a revived heart.
All glory be to Him.

k

Here we go again!

The following is my very first post ever. March 2008. I just re-read it and can't believe that was me. I want that fire back. Sadly, I am back up in weight to where I first began. What a journey.
So....here we go again. It's time to get my hiney back in gear. Anyone want to come along???

March 2008:
I've decided to begin the end. Sounds odd doesn't it? Well, is what I mean by that is that my entire life has been consumed by food- what I'm gonna eat, what I'm not gonna eat, how much I weigh, how much I've lost, what size I wear, etc.Well, I've decided to begin the end- the end to a lifelong struggle with weight, food addiction and unhealthy living.This journey is gonna be lovely and ugly, happy and sad, triumphant and dissappointing.This is going to be a frank and honest journal of my past, present and future health. Please join me on this journey and watch the "me" turn into the "me" God wants me to be. My precious friend Renay is also walking this journey with me, one bite at a time :) We can and WILL do this and NOT for our own glory, but for God's Kingdom. We are going to be 2 hot, fit mamas ready to serve our King like crazy!!!!!!WARNING: Sit down and be prepared to read some shocking numbers... I hate weight. I'm sick of being labeled by my weight. I remember various times in my life as to how much I weighed.. that's crazy!!!!First and foremost, I must give all the glory where it belongs and that is to the God of the universe, the one who sent His one and only Son to die a painful death on the cross in place of MY sin. Hmmmm... my sin? Yep! Jesus went to that cross for my addiction to food. My life is full of sin that thankfully Jesus has wiped clean from the slate so that I can be righteous in God's eyes! Yay!!! I was saved at about 8 years old and asked Jesus to cover me with His sacrifice on the cross... yet, I have struggled all of my life since about the age of 8 with loving food more than anything else! I can remember my Kindergarten school picture just looking as cute as can be, then by 4th grade I didn't sit up straight and you could see the roll of my chest (didn't have real boobs yet)... that was a mortifying picture!!! Anyhow... my years after that were spent "sucking it in" when trying on an outfit, standing before the mirror. Hearing many comments from people who loved me about my weight and the importance of "suck in your gut and stick out your butt" for pictures or "that makes you look thin" (yes, I know that sounds crazy, but I heard it more than you can imagine at a very young age.)At last.. a beginning to an End of negative comments by family tearing at my heart and destroying my healthy view of myself, food and weight. (yes, I know that loving people will always say negative things, but this is the end of it ruling my life!!!)Some more history.....At age 10 I weighed 135 lbs. Then, the summer before 8th grade, I lost a lot of weight and was looking pretty good- a size 9 in juniors! But that wasn't good enough since all of my friends were a size 5!!! (This was also the same summer of my parent's divorce).Highschool was going good with me getting to about 145 lbs. I played volleyball and loved to exercise. I battled on and off with bulemia though. Then at the age of 16 I became pregnant with Anna. John and I got married at 17. My highest pregnancy weight was 175.... ahhhh... those were the days.... :) After Anna was born the roller coaster began again... up and down.... At age 19, John, me and Anna lived in Beaufort, SC as JOhn was in the Marine Corps and I went to the Dr. for an exam. This was the first time a dr. ever told me that I was obese and needed to lose 50lbs. I was devastated, embarrassed and shocked! By using Herbalife products, I got down to about 160 and felt great. Then, slowly back up, up, up again! After a miscarriage in 1999 (before Abby).. I became very depressed. I gained a ton of weight with pregnant with Abby in 1999-2000.At last.. a beginning to an end of the food roller coaster.Eventually I got up to 273 lbs., after Evan was born (yes, that is a 100 lb. increase)!After praying and begging God to help me, I was guided to LA Weightloss and lost 90 lbs. withthem before getting pregnant with Emma at 180 lbs. After Emma my weight skyrocketed again.. I could eat 5 qts. of vanilla icecream with chocolate syrup in just 2 days. No, i'm not exaggerating. I was struggling with post partum depression too. My weight crept up over 200 lbs. and then I got pregnant with Avry! We finally figured out what causes that and John got a visectomy :) tee -hee! I remember stepping on the scales and full pregnancy with Avry and seeing 250 lbs and thinking- I can't believe I got this heavy again!!! After Avry, I was up and down...a long story to say that as of last Friday, Good Friday- I weighed 272 lbs.I was told a year ago by my Dr. that I had to lower cholestrol- triglyc. were the worst (carbs!) and that I was "pre-diabetic". I promised to work at it and lose weight. Shocker... it didn't happen! I went back recently to find out that the cholestrol is still bad, but thank the good LORDthat I am NOT diabetic!!! That was it!!! I have had it!!!God is sooo cool.. His timing is always perfect. The very next Sun. after hearing this from dr. ,Pastor Randy did a message about "specific sin"... Hmm.... He even asked that people come forward and pin their sin, written on a note card, to the huge wooden cross at front of church. I can still remember exactly where mine is pinned. It read "overeating".Now here's the sad part.. I wanted to really confess it to God, cause that's the right thingto do. But I definately wasn't ready to give it to HIM fully. I was terrified that "I wasn't ready" or "I'll just fail, so why bother". Nonetheless, I pinned my card up there out of obedience to Godand went on with life. That was also the weekend of our church-wide 24 hour prayer and I knew breakthrough was coming.. I just didn't know when. God kept stirring in my spirit all week long.I have recently heard that many of my friends use Weight Watchers and I became very interested. Finally, by Friday which was Good Friday I logged onto Weight Watchers and joined the online version! I love it and have been doing it now for 1 week.At last .... The Beginning to an end of weighing 272 lbs.Please pray for me whenever you see a fat person... :) I hate that word.. "fat".. but you got to call a spade a spade. I desire for every inch of my body to be pleasing to God. It doesn't have to be perfect, but I do want Him to be pleased with my stewardship of HIS temple... my earthly body.I'm only 30 years old and I don't want to be unhealthy anylonger!!At last... The beginning to an end of an unhealthy body.For years, I've desired to be very close to God.. to walk like HIM, to think like HIM, to talk like HIM, to eat like He would. I've wanted this intimate relationship with Jesus that has been somewhat obtainable. I don't want "somewhat" anylonger!!!! There's ONE key thing holding me back and separating me from my heavenly Father and from living the fullest life that He has for me... and that is my love affair with food. I want to dance the dance of my life in the arms of Jesus. He is the lover of my soul, my biggest fan, the one who will NEVER leave me.I'm sick of being sold short and buying into the lie that food will satisfy my deepest longing. It won't and can't. I know God has made me a passionate person for many reasons and I believe the biggest reason is so that I can turn my greatest weakness into my greatest ministry.This is the Beginning to an End of a "somewhat" close relationship with Jesus. I'm ready for the REAL thing!

Today, September 5th- one and half year later....here I go again :)
k

Never a Coincidence

So, the story of my life is bumping into people that I know. It's not just a social occasion, but there is ALWAYS a deeper, underlying spiritual message that God has for me. Here's what happened to me today.

John and I attended the funeral of a young man named Jesse whom we used to attend church with at our previous home church, Grace Baptist. We were there for 9 years and the attendance was usually around 25 people, so we were very close knit and we had the opportunity to get to know Jesse pretty well. Jesse was being raised by his grandparents and attended regularly from about the age of 12-18 years old. We hadn't seen him for about 3 years when we received the sad news that he was tragically killed in a car wreck over this past weekend. We are so thankful that he knew Jesus and is in Heaven!

He was planning to marry Heidi, the mother of his 3 year old son, Austin. He was going to also adopt her other son whose now 16 months old. They were not planted in a church and I'm not sure of where she stands with God. Today was of course a tough, heart-wrenching day for the entire family. I was able to hug and grieve with most of his close family members...all except Heidi. My heart literally broke for her as I overheard her little son's question of "Mommy, where is daddy?" She answered, "Remember, he's in the coffin." Tears just streamed uncontrollably down my face. All I could think about and pray for was for God to PLEASE, PLEASE guide this little boy and to make sure he was raised to know Jesus.

Fast forward 6 hours later. After church, I dropped off the 4 teens that we had taken or needed a ride home. As I pulled up to Julia and Hunter's apartment complex, I noticed a gal with a purple top on speaking on the cell phone in the parking lot of the complex. My mouth dropped open in disbelief. I whispered to Julia, is that girl's name Heidi (as I didn't have a clear view of her face, but recognized the purple top that I had seen 6 hours earlier at the funeral) She said YES! I pulled up to her, got out of the car and motioned to her. She got off the phone and came to me with her arms opened wide. I embraced her and began to weep. She kept telling me that she had to be dragged from the coffin because she wasn't ready to let him go. Her entire world has been flipped upside down and she is mourning, devastated, crushed at the passing of this young man. She pulled me around to the back of the complex and said "I want you to meet my mom."
We talked for about 20 minutes as she would occasionally just crumble into a weeping mess. I couldn't even imagine the sorrow or pain.

Then, out of know where she said, "I want your family to come to Austin's bday party this Sat. at the park. And I want you to know Kara that anytime you want to take the boys and spend time with them, take them to church, whatever...you just let me know because I know that's what Jesse would've wanted." Literally, she opened her heart and just handed me the spiritual guidance of these 2 boys. I had no idea that God was going to answer my prayer by using me in this little boy's life. Not only in 1 little one's life, but she opened it up for both of her sons' lives.
Little does she know that I'm not going to leave her behind.

I have no idea where this story will lead. But I do know that God knows and He's in control.
He loves this young mommy and her 2 little boys like mad!!! I have complete faith in God that he orchestrated this encounter this evening and that He has a plan for Heidi, Austin and baby Cody that will blow us all away. My eyes have been opened this evening to a new personal ministry. After telling John this story, he said that we have been commissioned by God to love these boys and mom too :)

There are 1000's of homes in West Lafayette. What are the chances that I would pull up to just the right location at just the right time to interact with this young lady who I saw just 6 hours before? What are the chances that my prayer for a little red-headed adorable 3 year old would be answered with such a clear offer from his mother? Well, with God in control, I guess the chances were pretty good. There is definately NO such thing as a coincidence!!

Isn't God awesome??
k

Good Ole Fashioned Cry

A good cry is worth a lot. Do you ever find yourself crying and thinking "what is wrong with me? why am i so emotional?" I tend to want to make excuses for a good cry. Excuses like "Oh, I'm just hormonal" or "I think I'm close to THAT time of the month." Why can't I just be fine with a good ole solid cry? Well, last night- finally I just let it all out and cried and cried and cried. I almost hypervenilated, but it felt good! There was a burden lifted from my shoulders as I sobbed. Anyone who knows me well knows that I rarely ever sob, I'm just not a weepy person in general.

I realized that life is passing so quickly. God holds everything in the palm of his hands and knows the pains of my heart. He also knows when I try to bury those pains. Have you ever let your thoughts take you to a deep dark place of sadness, lonliness, desperation? I had convinced myself that one of my family members didn't care about me anymore and that I didn't hold a special place in their heart. I started to picture the future and how I would become just a nobody to that person. I was so wrapped up in my own sad fantasy that I didn't even think to just pray about the situation. How silly of me. Seriously! God wants to comfort me and restrengthen this relationship and He loves for me to just pour my heart out to him. So, today I'm choosing to release all of those thoughts and lay them at Jesus' feet. He says to cast all our cares on Him for He cares for us. So, there it is. God, I'm waiting on you to strenthen my relationship with this person and I trust you have what's best for me in store.

Not sure what God has in store for me today since I can't do laundry or dishes. There is a main valve flushing occuring in our neighborhood community well water system. Thus, the water is disgustingly orangish/brown. Hopefully, by this afternoon it will be all flushed. So, today...I'll just watch for Him to move.
k

Early risers

What a glorious day it will be. This morning was much more peaceful as most of the kids did not wake up until 7 a.m.! How can I be so blessed as to have early risers? I KNOW for a fact when Kristy and I were kids that we had to be pried out of bed. I NEVER woke up before the alarm clock went off. We could have our kids go to bed later so that they would hopefully wake up later in the morning. Nah...I don't want to sacrifice that sweet, quiet alone time with John. Wait a second...why am I even complaining. Have I forgotten the days of being woke up several times a night? Nevermind all this jabber...I am thrilled to have early risers :)

I'm praying that God holds the rain off for our church event tonight. Last time we had one, the gray clouds loomed overhead and it barely sprinkled as we were tearing down. I'm really looking forward to tonight!!!

Well, I feel rather boring this morning- so I'll say farewell! I need to go weigh myself actually.
Yesterday afternoon, I got nasty stomach cramps and didn't feel well all afternoon- so I didn't walk :( That's ok...it's a marathon and not a sprint.
k

Goals and rambling

Physically- My goal for today is to take a 1 mile walk. Drink at least 100 oz. of water. Eat smaller portions.
Spiritually- be on the look out for God sightings. Pray and worship as I'm driving in the van. Listen to God.

Did anyone else get woke up last night to the pounding sound of thunder and the sharp crackling of lightening? I actually made myself laugh in the middle of the storm because as I listened to the various "tones" of the lightening striking, I found myself thinking "that kaboom sounded like it had to burp." You may think I'm nuts, but it sounded just like when someone is about to belch and then the belch just kinda fizzles out. Sometimes you don't know if a burp is going to be loud and forceful or lose it's momentum half way through:) When the lightening did strike loud and strong- I was almost convinced that a tree by our house had been struck and I was waiting for it to come crashing through the roof!!! By God's grace, only one child woke up, Abby. That was a miracle!!!

So, this morning all but 1 child were up by 6:15 a.m. I tried to be cheerful, but was a little dissappointed and wondered "How can my children sleep through storms like last night, but the smallest movement in the kitchen awakes them?" Anna is very quiet in the mornings and we even whisper! Oh well...just thankful to have children to referee in the mornings.

Have a blessed and glorious day today! Look for those God sightings- He's at work all around us!
k