Heart 2 Heart and My Heart

Thank you all so much for praying and asking about our septic system problem. God's peace is covering the situation although no actual progress has been made. Let me rephrase that....I meant to say that we don't know what God's solution is to our problem. I'm just resting in the peace that He has made progress and knows every detail of our concerns. Yay!!

Tonight, many of us experienced a brief touch of Heaven as we attended EFC's Heart 2 Heart women's ministry. My absolute, absolute, absolute favorite part of the entire evening was looking around that huge circle of 39 women and seeing all of your beautiful faces. I could have just layed down and wallered in the love I felt. God has placed this phenomenal support system in my life to encourage me to never give up. I can go on after I've fallen flat on my face, after I've failed miserably, after I've screwed up royally because I see God's unconditional love in all of you. Your support on this crazy roller coaster ride journey of weightloss means more to me than words. I know I don't have to hide in this dark hole of failure and hopelessness because you all are pulling me through with your prayers, encouragement and love! Thank you!!!! I'm ready to dive into the story of David with all of you and develop a heart like his. I'm desperately thirsty right now in life for God's Word- I want to be transformed by the renewing of my mind. I've been relying on my own power for far too long and I'm ready to really soak in God's grace and goodness. (For anyone that doesn't attend our group, we are planning to do a Beth Moore Bible study called "David". You can get it at Sam's club for $13 if you want to join in!)

I must confess that last night, which was the night before the group, I was extremely depressed. I was to the point of saying "I quit."
I wanted to quit my life, just quit all the responsibilities that rest on my shoulders- like parenting, marriage, household manager, cook, housekeeper, daughter, niece, friend- you name it, and I wanted to just QUIT!!!! I seriously wanted to just scream and leave my life for a little while. I was deep into a dark and lonely pitt, one that I hadn't experienced for quite some time.
Finally, I just gritted my teeth and prayed for God's help cause it was NOT going to be pretty if something didn't change the course of my evening!!! All of the sudden, it occured to me that the following evening was going to be our first night back in Heart 2 Heart. Ahh Ha! It clicked that this was most certainly a spiritual attack. It was clear that satan wanted to hold me down and convince me that I was just a raging lunatic and that I had NO place serving in women's ministries. I'm ashamed of the way that I acted- horribly ashamed! I gave my poor daughter a look that could've killed- you know...the kind of look that says "Don't mess with me or I might blow!!!!!!!!" I was so angry that I refused to answer her request for help on homework. I poured myself a bowl of cereal and marched back into my room. I plopped on the bed and waited for John to come back to the room so I could then give him the "death glare." Ohhhhhhh- what a poor site I was. I even dreamed horrible things because I went to bed so angry and upset. Every ounce of me knew it was wrong to go to bed angry, but that stinkin' pride just reeked from my pores. This is how horrible I could be just less than 24 hours before helping lead a women's group? What??? Why does God keep using me???? I'll never know.... truly. All I can conclude is that His Word is true and He's full of grace and mercy. Thank you Jesus!!!! I share this story with you for one reason- I don't ever want to forget how ugly my heart can be and how much I need Jesus. Some of you don't ever get to see this nasty side of me...nonetheless-don't forget that it exists and my heart is sometimes dark and full of YUCK!!!! Gotta go to sleep now!
love you all!!
k