Desperate

Have you ever went through a season when you found yourself not the person you want to be, nor the person that God has called you to be? No, this is not a "poor Kara is sinning session".....no. I sin everyday and fall short of the glory of God. Literally, the closer I get to God and further in my relationships with other Christians..the more I can see through spiritual eyes as to the warfare going on around me. I can also see that God wants to grow me continually.
Unity... A friend shared Ephesians 4 concerning unity. It is not something that comes easy, but it does take work, time, effort, and energy. The more you care about people, the more you realize how much work relationships are. I felt a righteous anger raise up in me recently concerning the fact that the enemy...oh how I hate him...delights in division and disunity. We are weaker as a Christian and a body of Christ when we are divided from those we love and have been called to serve. But there is a cool thing that comes from being weak and alone...the need for Jesus sweeps over you and takes your breath away.
I'm at an interesting place in life, a place that I never thought I'd be. Of course, I say this on many levels. I never dreamed of having a large family. I never dreamed of a church family that "would not be satisfied with anything ordinary." (This quote comes from a beautiful song that our church has sung often) Our church is far from ordinary and is the closest reflection to a real family that I've ever seen. I never dreamed of adopting. I never dreamed of being called an evangelist. I never dreamed of hosting a family in our home for an undefined amount of time. I never dreamed that God would give me true sisters although I was an only child. I never dreamed of having a large group of truly amazing, beautiful friends. I know this is a rarity. Speaking love and life into some one's life does not come naturally for me or anyone. Speaking encouragement and edification is not natural. Acting out love is not natural nor even fun sometimes. Yet, the Bible speaks truth. It is truth and it does not return void. I am nothing without Christ. Well, let me take that back. I am something without Christ, but it's a big pile of poo doo! My life is meaningless crap without God in the pilot's seat.
I've had friends tell me that they didn't understand how I wasn't angry, hurt or disappointed in certain situations. To that, I've had to say "Hey, I'm not some super saint. You hear me wanting to walk out truth and the Bible. I try to speak lovingly and encouragingly...but don't think for one minute that I'm some saint on my own. I still have internal battles that I must work through. I have impure thoughts. I have jealousy that raises it's ugly head. I have naughty words that float around my mind and occasionally slip out! I have selfish, ugly desires that would sicken any of you. I have twisted mind battles that are not godly. I also battle satan daily and all the lies he whispers in my ears. I hear from the enemy "Kara, just give up. You are not the person you want to be in Christ, so just stop pretending and quit trying to lead people. You suck, Kara. You only have a lot of friends because they think you are someone you are not." Oh, yes.... I hear this crap all the time. But I will not let it win. God is on the throne and I am a princess of the King Most High. God is at work in me each day, each moment.
This past Sunday, we heard a sermon on "Being Desperate for God." We have to go to Him with our desperation and not try to fill it with things of this world or people of this world. So, today....I wait in desperation of prayer for God to heal our brokenhearts, our pains, our hurts, our desires. Today, I choose for God to be my everything. I have no answers for the pain I see around me....so my cry today is "God, please come and heal our broken hearts and broken land. Use me today however you see fit. Let me seek after you with a whole and pure heart. Let no unwholesome word proceed from my mouth. Let me hold every thought captive to Christ. Take all of me out of the way and fill me with all of you. God....I am desperate."
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