Crossroads

It's been a while....much has happened though. First, let me start by saying that God is amazing and undeniably REAL! Many of you know that, but isn't it fun when he just shows up and takes your breath away. A peace overcomes you that is unsurmountable? (i may have made up that word) I love many things about God...but one thing that always gives me comfort is that He never changes- his Word is unwavering; He is constantly wanting to bring me into a closer relationship with Him regardless of how badly I screw up. That's just cool! What a friend we have in Jesus. (That's an old hymn ya know)
So here are the facts of my life that are ringing very loud and clear-
My number one goal in life is to bring honor and glory to HIM through being a tool in HIS hands.
How that translates is of course first by being a godly wife. Secondly, I am to be a godly mother. I'm also to take my health VERY seriously. I am called to be a wise steward of money and time. These are at the top of my list...so you get the jist of things.
Most things in my life right now do NOT truly support these major priorities. I am swamped, overwhelmed and just plain and simply can not keep up. My memory is starting to slip...like in weird ways. My job is fine, but it's only for the money. Yah, I do get to be a light in the dark world which is great...but I hear God whispering, "Don't go light the world and leave your home dark. You are missing the point Kara." By the way, if you know me at all, you know I hate to admit all of this...it's that ugly pride thing! I'm physically tired, emotionally drained and just plain sick of it. I'm in survival mode. Many of you are thinking right now, "I'm close to Kara and I had NO idea this is where she was." Please don't feel bad...it because I've been in denial and sugarcoat it.
My health has GREATLY went down hill since I began working. I had the bigeebers (a word that i made up) scared out of me yesterday at the doctor's office when she told me that she's referring me to a surgeon because she thinks that possibly the diseased portion of my colon needs to be removed. I'm too young to have this extensive of diverticulitis. I'm scared to death of having part of my colon removed- NO WAY HOSEA!!!! She also informed me of an "umbilical hernia" that was noticed on my CT scan. Gee....colon, hernia, dermoid cyst on the ovary- it just keeps growing. This is really all on top of me being pre-diabetic, high cholestrol and 120 lbs OVERweight! Also, I'm actually further from His will concerning money now that I make more money. It's true..so true..the more you make, the more you spend. Oh, how I HATE to admitt this. No, I really HATE to admitt it!
I'm too the point of crying out to God and begging Him to just show John and I the way...the way back to HIM! I hate this place and I want to be close to Him again. I want to be that gazelle on the treadmill. I want to be healthy and fit. I want to be energetic and take care of my family and household. I do. I do.
Here's my prayer.....
"Oh, Lord- hear my desperate cry to PLEASE be delivered and healed from this sickness and unhealthy living. I'm out of control. Period. I am out of control and I need to be brought back under your headship. Break me Lord, break me. I don't like to be broken and humble because I'm selfish. I fear what others will think of me- my wavering up and down kind of personality. This is wrong, God..I know it! I just want to seek after you alone and not care what others may think or say. I will be spending eternity with YOU and will hold an account to you for my actions here on earth. I hear you reminding me how few days I have left to make the strong impact on my children that you want me to make. I hear you. I do hear you. I am sorry for ignoring you.
The world is sucking me dry and I need to be replenished with your living water. Please, please oh God- give me a drink from the well of life. Take me to a new level of living out faith in you. Help me to walk in that NEW life that your word promises. I'm sick of this old life and old ways that are yielding no fruit. Make my every action, word and thought be purposeful to advancing your kingdom. Right now... I am far from you and I'm running hard back towards your arms. Thank you for opening your arms and just embracing me and every bit of disgust that I bring to you. Help me oh Lord, to embrace others in the same manner and to speak hope, life and peace into their lives. I want to be all that you are wanting...but I can NOT do it on my own. I need your spirit to empower me. So, Lord I recieve that empowerment right this minute! I'm done being wishy washy. I've been sucked dry recently to the point of not wanting to evangelize, not wanting to invite anyone to church, not wanting to read the Bible. This is all wrong and I take complete responsibility for poor choices. Thank you, that you promise to forgive me and cleanse me of all unrighteousness as I confess these things to you. Life is flashing before my very eyes and I'm scared to death to not be close to you! I hate this place and refuse to stay here any longer. So, God I'm willing....please make me able. I've come to these crossroads and I wait here for you to move. I love you God...i really do! Amen!"
Please pray for John and I to have discernment and wisdom. I refuse to waste time contemplating whether I should or should not have went back to work. I don't know for sure. But I do know that right NOW I'm whole heartedly begging God to show me what to do from here forward. I can think of many pros to working and I can think of a huge list of cons. The biggest problem right now is that my cons are hurting my top priorities in life. This is scary.
Friends, God is good and we must just wait on Him to speak and guide us. I tend to jump the gun so to speak ( I know, I know...shocker! Teeheee!!)
Waiting on Him,
k